Pippa: We're still hanging in there! It's a miracle we have come this far but my 1 good and 2 decidedly underdeveloped follicles yesterday yielded 2 eggs.
I can't lie, the procedure was unpleasant. We were at the clinic for 8:15 am, 1.5 hours before our scheduled collection time. 1.5 hours to sit in a hospital gown with cold feet and think and worry about the outcome.
Our clinician spoke to us before the collection and did not have much confidence in a positive result. I went under the anesthetic almost sure it would be for nothing and was shaking like a leaf.
I was in the procedure room for 35 minutes and woke up behind an oxygen mask with Jack at my side. I was very disoriented but I remembered to ask right away, how many eggs they had managed to retrieve. Jack was delighted to tell me they had got 2. I started to cry, it was such a relief. Of course, our expectations were not great but with 2, there was a fighting chance.
So, from relief to anxiety, there's no let up. This morning, we were expecting a call from the laboratory. I was awake at 5, then 7. Finally at 8:30 we could no longer lie there and worry. We got up and went for breakfast at the local cafe. By 11 o'clock, still no call. Why would it take so long? Were they leaving the bad news until later in the day?
I was working through each scenario in my head- what if they called and neither egg had fertilised? What if both were successful? We couldn't be that lucky could we? Should we head for home so I wouldn't need to cry in public?
Eventually they rang. 1 embryo, we have 1 embryo, 1 against-all-the-odds embryo, all alone in it's dish. Relief again, ok, that bridge crossed.
Anxiety sets back in. 3 follicles to 2 eggs to 1 embryo. The next in the sequence is 0 surely? But we might have ourselves a fighter, the chances from here according to the clinic stats are 42%. The odds are up from 36% when we started. I like numbers, they are solid and tangible and there's something comforting in that.
So tomorrow our little fighing embryo will be given back to us to look after. I'm taking progesterone to thicken my womb lining and Jack says if there's one thing I'm good at, it's making a cosy bed. So hopefully our 2, 4, 8, 16 cell Jack/Pippa hybrid will want to sleep there for a little while, say 9 months or so.
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Thursday, 26 March 2009
one good egg
Pippa: It's the day before our egg collection & I'm scared. God knows how we got this far, with one healthy-sized follicle and 2 others that are not quite up to scratch. But we're going for it, gambling with our sanity.
I don't think I'm scared of undergoing the procedure, although if you need a painkiller up your bum even before you've had intravenous anesthesia, then you know you're going to feel pretty banged up afterwards. It's the thought of receiving the two subsequent pieces of information in quick succession - 1. were there any eggs collected from my sadly inadequate set of follicles? & 2. did any of them fertilise? All of this information will be available by Saturday morning. It is now Thursday night and I can't sleep.
I can't really think either, I'm exhausted. Poor Jack is snoring away beside me. He's had a hell of a week. At least I was able to take the last couple of weeks off work, Jack is attending clinic appointments and making up the work hours to compensate. This IVF is literally taking over our lives, I don't know how we'll cope if we have to do it all over again.
Anyway, let's leave on a positive note- my one good follicle, we saw it on the ultrasound screen large as life, that's got an egg in it, I'm sure & Jack's sperm count was improving with every test. One good egg, one good sperm, we could get ourselves an embryo. Let's leave it at that- one step at a time. Next week is a whole new ball game ('scuse the pun!)
I don't think I'm scared of undergoing the procedure, although if you need a painkiller up your bum even before you've had intravenous anesthesia, then you know you're going to feel pretty banged up afterwards. It's the thought of receiving the two subsequent pieces of information in quick succession - 1. were there any eggs collected from my sadly inadequate set of follicles? & 2. did any of them fertilise? All of this information will be available by Saturday morning. It is now Thursday night and I can't sleep.
I can't really think either, I'm exhausted. Poor Jack is snoring away beside me. He's had a hell of a week. At least I was able to take the last couple of weeks off work, Jack is attending clinic appointments and making up the work hours to compensate. This IVF is literally taking over our lives, I don't know how we'll cope if we have to do it all over again.
Anyway, let's leave on a positive note- my one good follicle, we saw it on the ultrasound screen large as life, that's got an egg in it, I'm sure & Jack's sperm count was improving with every test. One good egg, one good sperm, we could get ourselves an embryo. Let's leave it at that- one step at a time. Next week is a whole new ball game ('scuse the pun!)
Sunday, 22 March 2009
the first big blow
Pippa: It's not great news. Friday I went for a scan and it turns out my ovaries are not responding well to the stimulation drugs. They found only 3 small follicles had developed on my left ovary and that my right ovary had not reponded at all. It's a huge blow as I really wasn't expecting to fail so soon. Can I really be in the 10% (according to clinic stats) that have their cycles cancelled at this early stage?
I have continued taking the Gonal F injections for a further 3 days in the hope that those follicles grow to a size which are usable, however, with only 3 potential eggs, the chances of success are now greatly diminished.
Tomorrow we will know if it's worth continuing. I am still awake at 1am thinking about what will be.
I think Jack & I have both realised that we have put too much stock into this thing working. I mean, buying kiddie wallpaper and looking at cots- what was I thinking?! So stupid.
I had to tell Jack about the scan on Friday on the phone while he was at work. My Sister couldn't believe I'd gone to the appointment by myself, but I really hadn't expected bad news. Poor Jack told me he nearly cried at his desk.
I can' t really think of anything to say. Tomorrow will decide. If we have to wait and start again, then that's what we;ll do. Meantime, I will try to sleep and not dream of storks.
Goodnight.
I have continued taking the Gonal F injections for a further 3 days in the hope that those follicles grow to a size which are usable, however, with only 3 potential eggs, the chances of success are now greatly diminished.
Tomorrow we will know if it's worth continuing. I am still awake at 1am thinking about what will be.
I think Jack & I have both realised that we have put too much stock into this thing working. I mean, buying kiddie wallpaper and looking at cots- what was I thinking?! So stupid.
I had to tell Jack about the scan on Friday on the phone while he was at work. My Sister couldn't believe I'd gone to the appointment by myself, but I really hadn't expected bad news. Poor Jack told me he nearly cried at his desk.
I can' t really think of anything to say. Tomorrow will decide. If we have to wait and start again, then that's what we;ll do. Meantime, I will try to sleep and not dream of storks.
Goodnight.
Thursday, 19 March 2009
the stable world
Pippa: It's been a while, I know. It's not just finding the time to blog but also I feel that I'm doing pretty well, ploughing along, staying tough (well for me) and that this feeling of being stable and rational and strong could all be undermined with too much introspection and analysis. If I don't determine what my feelings are, then I guess I don't really have to deal with them.
I've been thinking about this idea of being a strong person. I never really thought I was one. I generally live with my heart on my sleeve as they say. But for this type of situation, it's not really about being personally strong but about being a strong team. When you've got back-up, it's easier to face life's struggles, so in this respect I am strong.
I've been trying not to imagine what I will feel if our attempt is not successful, it will be a hard blow. Outwardly, I am acting very positively, planning and nesting but the odds are against us and I know this.
Friday is D-day, my post-FSH scan will determine whether my ovaries have produced enough follicles of adequate size in order to go on to the next phase. I think I can feel the injections beginning to swell my internal parts but I guess this is no real indication. If the follicles don't respond then it's back to square one. I think they even put you on the pill for a while which is sadly ironic.
Anyway, fingers crossed the egg collection will be next week. I have read Jack's postings this week and realise he is having sperm conservation issues. Honey, it's not how much you save it all up that will determine if you produce the 'sample of the century'. A regular replenishing is a good thing as old ones deteriorate and are reabsorbed. A couple of days abstinence before sample day is all that you need worry about........(zzziiiip) Jack what was that?
One last issue to get off my chest before I carry on with my day. Last weekend Jack & I went to see his Sister and new baby. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this and had put it off for a couple of weeks. The baby was certainly the cutest thing, all gurning facial expressions and contented noises (well mostly). It's hard to explain, but I didn't feel anything towards him. I thought I might get this yearning or motherly instinct or something. I didn't even really know what to do with him, it was the oddest kind of detachment that may be some sort of preservation instinct, I'm just not sure.
Anyway, I got upset and not even for the reasons that Jack probably assumed. I know I am thinking irrationally if I suggest that this has any reflection on what type of mother I would make but honestly, I didn't even know how to cuddle him and he just made me feel uncomfortable and useless.
Jack on the other hand, looked like such a natural father. Perhaps this was really the cause of my upset. What if he doesn't get to be one? Yeah, I must have hit the nail- tears are streaming!
Jack certainly could have made a better choice of reproductive partner- someone younger, with fewer medical issues. What if his choice of me for his wife has robbed him of his chance to have a family? Or what if his yearning for children eventually leads to him persuing this dream elsewhere?
OK, I've burst the emotional bubble and it's all spilling out- what did I say? That strong, stable and rational world is folding in- stop analysing!!!
Time to find something rational to do- I might wash the cat.
I've been thinking about this idea of being a strong person. I never really thought I was one. I generally live with my heart on my sleeve as they say. But for this type of situation, it's not really about being personally strong but about being a strong team. When you've got back-up, it's easier to face life's struggles, so in this respect I am strong.
I've been trying not to imagine what I will feel if our attempt is not successful, it will be a hard blow. Outwardly, I am acting very positively, planning and nesting but the odds are against us and I know this.
Friday is D-day, my post-FSH scan will determine whether my ovaries have produced enough follicles of adequate size in order to go on to the next phase. I think I can feel the injections beginning to swell my internal parts but I guess this is no real indication. If the follicles don't respond then it's back to square one. I think they even put you on the pill for a while which is sadly ironic.
Anyway, fingers crossed the egg collection will be next week. I have read Jack's postings this week and realise he is having sperm conservation issues. Honey, it's not how much you save it all up that will determine if you produce the 'sample of the century'. A regular replenishing is a good thing as old ones deteriorate and are reabsorbed. A couple of days abstinence before sample day is all that you need worry about........(zzziiiip) Jack what was that?
One last issue to get off my chest before I carry on with my day. Last weekend Jack & I went to see his Sister and new baby. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this and had put it off for a couple of weeks. The baby was certainly the cutest thing, all gurning facial expressions and contented noises (well mostly). It's hard to explain, but I didn't feel anything towards him. I thought I might get this yearning or motherly instinct or something. I didn't even really know what to do with him, it was the oddest kind of detachment that may be some sort of preservation instinct, I'm just not sure.
Anyway, I got upset and not even for the reasons that Jack probably assumed. I know I am thinking irrationally if I suggest that this has any reflection on what type of mother I would make but honestly, I didn't even know how to cuddle him and he just made me feel uncomfortable and useless.
Jack on the other hand, looked like such a natural father. Perhaps this was really the cause of my upset. What if he doesn't get to be one? Yeah, I must have hit the nail- tears are streaming!
Jack certainly could have made a better choice of reproductive partner- someone younger, with fewer medical issues. What if his choice of me for his wife has robbed him of his chance to have a family? Or what if his yearning for children eventually leads to him persuing this dream elsewhere?
OK, I've burst the emotional bubble and it's all spilling out- what did I say? That strong, stable and rational world is folding in- stop analysing!!!
Time to find something rational to do- I might wash the cat.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
The cost of sex
JACK: With the current credit climate I have been giving a lot of thought to saving money and being careful with what I do spend. Not long ago I was out of contract looking for some work and I discovered LIDL. A supermarket chain that keeps costs very low in the UK. I recognise this “frame of mind”. I recognise the nasty smell that it has. Something I cannot see or touch but I know is there. I sometimes get this feeling when playing computer games. Games where you gather the tools you need, bullets or shield has to be conserved to fight a boss later on. These are the only places I can think of that you need to have this frame of mind.
At least, that’s as far as I thought that line of thinking would go. You see, since we started trying, I have had to conserve my effluence for the greater good. This has meant no crafty games of pocket billiards when I am alone and only humping every other day when my “bitch is on heat”. Sorry Pippa, I could not resist.
At first, this was nearly impossible to keep up. But the longer we tried, the more we needed to commit. I have found myself learning to live without the great feeling of an orgasm that I have been enjoying since before I was a teenager. So much so, that this weekend I was OK to pass “man water”. This also coincided with Steak and Blowjob day. Yes an official day, 1 calendar month after valentines day that officially pays guys back for doing such a good job on valentines. It’s win-win. The ladies get a great valentine up front and the guys get everything they want. Anyway, I could fill the internet with my thoughts on that particular holiday. Well, at least I thought I could.
That was until this year. I found myself stressed and exhausted from working over the weekend. We were visiting family and got back home. I wolfed the steak with wedges and vine tomatoes, but told Pippa to hold fire on the rest of the celebrations as I was a bit exhausted. She offered me a rain check and I accepted with the intention of continuing on Sunday. We’ll I went through the entire day avoiding the thought and then finally the act of it. I want my spunk to be rich and ready to impregnate but at what cost? I fear I my be damaging my psyche!
The same old nagging feeling came back in my head. This little alarm that says no, you can’t afford it. So we had our nasty tasting alcohol free sparkling juice drink, instead of champagne and that was that. Now I think about this, there’s the other thing this feeling is like. Dieting! Or avoiding alcohol. That little alarm in my head. That nagging sensation. Am I reading too much into this? I think so. In the mist of this I think I am going to far and putting my health at risk. I have been in a pretty stressful place the last couple of days and I think I know the best medicine. But what will happen to my collection? My little gathering of mini Jacks?
The decision was made for me. On the morning of the 17th... At approximately 7:30 am… 3 days after Steak and BJ day. Jack Surname awoke with a stonking erection that Pippa battled with for all of 3 minutes. It was a long and arduous fight for her. But we managed it. The seal is broken. The collection tarnished. I went to work in a great mood which is nice. And now, at the close of Tuesday 13th March, I ask myself. I wonder how much I can save before D-Day? We are merely a week away from the collection. I’m starting to fantasise about collection cups. Useful!
Jack
At least, that’s as far as I thought that line of thinking would go. You see, since we started trying, I have had to conserve my effluence for the greater good. This has meant no crafty games of pocket billiards when I am alone and only humping every other day when my “bitch is on heat”. Sorry Pippa, I could not resist.
At first, this was nearly impossible to keep up. But the longer we tried, the more we needed to commit. I have found myself learning to live without the great feeling of an orgasm that I have been enjoying since before I was a teenager. So much so, that this weekend I was OK to pass “man water”. This also coincided with Steak and Blowjob day. Yes an official day, 1 calendar month after valentines day that officially pays guys back for doing such a good job on valentines. It’s win-win. The ladies get a great valentine up front and the guys get everything they want. Anyway, I could fill the internet with my thoughts on that particular holiday. Well, at least I thought I could.
That was until this year. I found myself stressed and exhausted from working over the weekend. We were visiting family and got back home. I wolfed the steak with wedges and vine tomatoes, but told Pippa to hold fire on the rest of the celebrations as I was a bit exhausted. She offered me a rain check and I accepted with the intention of continuing on Sunday. We’ll I went through the entire day avoiding the thought and then finally the act of it. I want my spunk to be rich and ready to impregnate but at what cost? I fear I my be damaging my psyche!
The same old nagging feeling came back in my head. This little alarm that says no, you can’t afford it. So we had our nasty tasting alcohol free sparkling juice drink, instead of champagne and that was that. Now I think about this, there’s the other thing this feeling is like. Dieting! Or avoiding alcohol. That little alarm in my head. That nagging sensation. Am I reading too much into this? I think so. In the mist of this I think I am going to far and putting my health at risk. I have been in a pretty stressful place the last couple of days and I think I know the best medicine. But what will happen to my collection? My little gathering of mini Jacks?
The decision was made for me. On the morning of the 17th... At approximately 7:30 am… 3 days after Steak and BJ day. Jack Surname awoke with a stonking erection that Pippa battled with for all of 3 minutes. It was a long and arduous fight for her. But we managed it. The seal is broken. The collection tarnished. I went to work in a great mood which is nice. And now, at the close of Tuesday 13th March, I ask myself. I wonder how much I can save before D-Day? We are merely a week away from the collection. I’m starting to fantasise about collection cups. Useful!
Jack
Sunday, 15 March 2009
The absent blogger
JACK: Well it’s been a while. If it helps, I do feel guilty for not blogging. Let the excuses begin...
Since the last time I blogged, it was mentioned that we have been subscribed the drugs and that we have begun the treatment. It was also mentioned that we had 1 last attempt to get things done naturally. I can only describe my silence on the blogging and twittering front as the cyber version of holding my breath.
One of my many admirable traits (not) as Pippa has mentioned before is my ability to put a brave face on things. This involves me shutting down most of the thought process that I would normally use to daydream and “get excited” about upcoming events. It’s a trait I used to apply to many things as a child, including holidays as Pippa has already mentioned. I was always sadly disappointed because we were poor. It was mostly applied to moving schools and home etc. No fault of my mothers, we were just poor. Dad ran out before I remember. But I digress.
Excuses aside, it has been a tough few weeks keeping myself busy. Work was hard to find last week so I busied myself with home improvement projects and dusted off my “to do:” list. As a result, my car is nearly completely fixed, my home AV project is nearly done and we have no outstanding bills or anything of that sort.
A little unhealthy I know. But Pippa and I have been together for 1/3rd of my life. 10 years in the making. We are still very much in love and manage to excite each other, make each other laugh and surprise one another. We know each other’s little moods and manage to avoid arguments most of the time because of these things. So unhealthy or not, something is working. I am not avoiding HER, just the disappointment of our final natural attempt working. Well, all until the other night when we scraped by, both in foul moods and me scurrying off to work the next day. Only to be stuck away from home for another night due to the car being fixed. At least I managed to get a tick on the todo list!
So, we are now “on the drugs”. By we I mean her, but we are a we, so her is we! Got it? Good! So she, I mean WE are now on the drugs. WE have started with the nasal spray. It makes me laugh because she comes out of the bathroom with her head tilted back every morning and evening. It looks like she is trying to spot a fly. Our old cat used to do this accompanied by a clicking sound. It was odd but at least now I can accuse her of the same thing. I’d like to see her jump 3 times her body height and pluck one out of the air and scoff it. I think the woman’s NBA would be interested anyway.
Well, i’m going to leave it at that. I wrote this last weekand have been so busy with work (Yes it finally got busy again) that I didn’t get a chance to post it. I have many more thoughts at this stage now and will commit them to pixels as soon as possible.
Jack.
Since the last time I blogged, it was mentioned that we have been subscribed the drugs and that we have begun the treatment. It was also mentioned that we had 1 last attempt to get things done naturally. I can only describe my silence on the blogging and twittering front as the cyber version of holding my breath.
One of my many admirable traits (not) as Pippa has mentioned before is my ability to put a brave face on things. This involves me shutting down most of the thought process that I would normally use to daydream and “get excited” about upcoming events. It’s a trait I used to apply to many things as a child, including holidays as Pippa has already mentioned. I was always sadly disappointed because we were poor. It was mostly applied to moving schools and home etc. No fault of my mothers, we were just poor. Dad ran out before I remember. But I digress.
Excuses aside, it has been a tough few weeks keeping myself busy. Work was hard to find last week so I busied myself with home improvement projects and dusted off my “to do:” list. As a result, my car is nearly completely fixed, my home AV project is nearly done and we have no outstanding bills or anything of that sort.
A little unhealthy I know. But Pippa and I have been together for 1/3rd of my life. 10 years in the making. We are still very much in love and manage to excite each other, make each other laugh and surprise one another. We know each other’s little moods and manage to avoid arguments most of the time because of these things. So unhealthy or not, something is working. I am not avoiding HER, just the disappointment of our final natural attempt working. Well, all until the other night when we scraped by, both in foul moods and me scurrying off to work the next day. Only to be stuck away from home for another night due to the car being fixed. At least I managed to get a tick on the todo list!
So, we are now “on the drugs”. By we I mean her, but we are a we, so her is we! Got it? Good! So she, I mean WE are now on the drugs. WE have started with the nasal spray. It makes me laugh because she comes out of the bathroom with her head tilted back every morning and evening. It looks like she is trying to spot a fly. Our old cat used to do this accompanied by a clicking sound. It was odd but at least now I can accuse her of the same thing. I’d like to see her jump 3 times her body height and pluck one out of the air and scoff it. I think the woman’s NBA would be interested anyway.
Well, i’m going to leave it at that. I wrote this last weekand have been so busy with work (Yes it finally got busy again) that I didn’t get a chance to post it. I have many more thoughts at this stage now and will commit them to pixels as soon as possible.
Jack.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
a whole month!
Pippa: A whole month has gone by since we started this blogging. I know this as I started my period today. We were hoping that by some miracle our 1 last chance at natural conception would be a success and we could save ourselves a whole load of stress and of course, money. But hey ho, not the case, it's drugs all the way now!
It's been such a crappy day. I try not to take my moods to work but it's very difficult to hide when you are not really feeling up to the banter. Loads of chatter about my colleague's imminent baby (she's about a week overdue). Inducing this and cesarian that, yadda, yadda....
Mother nature is a real bitch too, do the periods have to come with a days worth of abdominal & back pain? I mean, just in case I might want to forget for a minute what a reproductive failure I am. I've had paracetamol and chocolate and I wish I could have wine.
I've been sniffing the Naferelin down-regulation drugs for over a week. Not sure if they are working, it's a bit of a pain as you can't judge your dose and I'm never sure if I'm doing the pump thing right or if I should be able to blow my nose afterward. I feel like I've had a cold since I started them and I'm very spotty. Just 8 more days until my next scan at the clinic, then the injections begin- what joy!
Jack & I had a fight last night, it was over the most stupid thing. We went to bed pretty angry and I just hate that feeling when you wake up and realise you've missed out on a whole night of cuddles. I could really do with one right now but he won't be home until Thurs.
So, let's see if I can find anything on TV to cheer me up...Jade:The Next Chapter- erm, no. I think I will have 1/2 a glass of wine. What the hell.
It's been such a crappy day. I try not to take my moods to work but it's very difficult to hide when you are not really feeling up to the banter. Loads of chatter about my colleague's imminent baby (she's about a week overdue). Inducing this and cesarian that, yadda, yadda....
Mother nature is a real bitch too, do the periods have to come with a days worth of abdominal & back pain? I mean, just in case I might want to forget for a minute what a reproductive failure I am. I've had paracetamol and chocolate and I wish I could have wine.
I've been sniffing the Naferelin down-regulation drugs for over a week. Not sure if they are working, it's a bit of a pain as you can't judge your dose and I'm never sure if I'm doing the pump thing right or if I should be able to blow my nose afterward. I feel like I've had a cold since I started them and I'm very spotty. Just 8 more days until my next scan at the clinic, then the injections begin- what joy!
Jack & I had a fight last night, it was over the most stupid thing. We went to bed pretty angry and I just hate that feeling when you wake up and realise you've missed out on a whole night of cuddles. I could really do with one right now but he won't be home until Thurs.
So, let's see if I can find anything on TV to cheer me up...Jade:The Next Chapter- erm, no. I think I will have 1/2 a glass of wine. What the hell.
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