the stable world

Pippa: It's been a while, I know. It's not just finding the time to blog but also I feel that I'm doing pretty well, ploughing along, staying tough (well for me) and that this feeling of being stable and rational and strong could all be undermined with too much introspection and analysis. If I don't determine what my feelings are, then I guess I don't really have to deal with them.

I've been thinking about this idea of being a strong person. I never really thought I was one. I generally live with my heart on my sleeve as they say. But for this type of situation, it's not really about being personally strong but about being a strong team. When you've got back-up, it's easier to face life's struggles, so in this respect I am strong.

I've been trying not to imagine what I will feel if our attempt is not successful, it will be a hard blow. Outwardly, I am acting very positively, planning and nesting but the odds are against us and I know this.

Friday is D-day, my post-FSH scan will determine whether my ovaries have produced enough follicles of adequate size in order to go on to the next phase. I think I can feel the injections beginning to swell my internal parts but I guess this is no real indication. If the follicles don't respond then it's back to square one. I think they even put you on the pill for a while which is sadly ironic.

Anyway, fingers crossed the egg collection will be next week. I have read Jack's postings this week and realise he is having sperm conservation issues. Honey, it's not how much you save it all up that will determine if you produce the 'sample of the century'. A regular replenishing is a good thing as old ones deteriorate and are reabsorbed. A couple of days abstinence before sample day is all that you need worry about........(zzziiiip) Jack what was that?

One last issue to get off my chest before I carry on with my day. Last weekend Jack & I went to see his Sister and new baby. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this and had put it off for a couple of weeks. The baby was certainly the cutest thing, all gurning facial expressions and contented noises (well mostly). It's hard to explain, but I didn't feel anything towards him. I thought I might get this yearning or motherly instinct or something. I didn't even really know what to do with him, it was the oddest kind of detachment that may be some sort of preservation instinct, I'm just not sure.
Anyway, I got upset and not even for the reasons that Jack probably assumed. I know I am thinking irrationally if I suggest that this has any reflection on what type of mother I would make but honestly, I didn't even know how to cuddle him and he just made me feel uncomfortable and useless.
Jack on the other hand, looked like such a natural father. Perhaps this was really the cause of my upset. What if he doesn't get to be one? Yeah, I must have hit the nail- tears are streaming!

Jack certainly could have made a better choice of reproductive partner- someone younger, with fewer medical issues. What if his choice of me for his wife has robbed him of his chance to have a family? Or what if his yearning for children eventually leads to him persuing this dream elsewhere?
OK, I've burst the emotional bubble and it's all spilling out- what did I say? That strong, stable and rational world is folding in- stop analysing!!!

Time to find something rational to do- I might wash the cat.