Pippa: Jack asked me yesterday how I was feeling, adding 'a bit numb?' and that's exactly right. It's 4 days since our embryo was given back to us for safekeeping, I've returned to work and everything has just reverted back to normal. There's no immediate reason for worry- not until next week and I start to check every day, every hour for signs of my period. So how am I supposed to feel right now?
There's probably not an hour goes by without me thinking about our little embryo. I even caught myself singing to it the other day & Jack kisses my tummy morning and night. Small things are different, Jack normally does this thing where he taps my belly button (he has some weird habits)but since our cellular transfer, he stops himself as he goes in for 'tappage' in case it upsets the embryo. How funny is that?
I'm dreading next week and the worry it will bring and potentially the devastation of a failure. I don't at this moment, feel any different. I'm not sure if I would but some people say 'a woman knows when she is pregnant'. A sign or two would be nice to keep my spirits up but surely it's way too early?
In the meantime, it's business as usual, I'll try to enjoy the calm before the stressful storm.
Wednesday, 1 April 2009
Saturday, 28 March 2009
hanging in there
Pippa: We're still hanging in there! It's a miracle we have come this far but my 1 good and 2 decidedly underdeveloped follicles yesterday yielded 2 eggs.
I can't lie, the procedure was unpleasant. We were at the clinic for 8:15 am, 1.5 hours before our scheduled collection time. 1.5 hours to sit in a hospital gown with cold feet and think and worry about the outcome.
Our clinician spoke to us before the collection and did not have much confidence in a positive result. I went under the anesthetic almost sure it would be for nothing and was shaking like a leaf.
I was in the procedure room for 35 minutes and woke up behind an oxygen mask with Jack at my side. I was very disoriented but I remembered to ask right away, how many eggs they had managed to retrieve. Jack was delighted to tell me they had got 2. I started to cry, it was such a relief. Of course, our expectations were not great but with 2, there was a fighting chance.
So, from relief to anxiety, there's no let up. This morning, we were expecting a call from the laboratory. I was awake at 5, then 7. Finally at 8:30 we could no longer lie there and worry. We got up and went for breakfast at the local cafe. By 11 o'clock, still no call. Why would it take so long? Were they leaving the bad news until later in the day?
I was working through each scenario in my head- what if they called and neither egg had fertilised? What if both were successful? We couldn't be that lucky could we? Should we head for home so I wouldn't need to cry in public?
Eventually they rang. 1 embryo, we have 1 embryo, 1 against-all-the-odds embryo, all alone in it's dish. Relief again, ok, that bridge crossed.
Anxiety sets back in. 3 follicles to 2 eggs to 1 embryo. The next in the sequence is 0 surely? But we might have ourselves a fighter, the chances from here according to the clinic stats are 42%. The odds are up from 36% when we started. I like numbers, they are solid and tangible and there's something comforting in that.
So tomorrow our little fighing embryo will be given back to us to look after. I'm taking progesterone to thicken my womb lining and Jack says if there's one thing I'm good at, it's making a cosy bed. So hopefully our 2, 4, 8, 16 cell Jack/Pippa hybrid will want to sleep there for a little while, say 9 months or so.
I can't lie, the procedure was unpleasant. We were at the clinic for 8:15 am, 1.5 hours before our scheduled collection time. 1.5 hours to sit in a hospital gown with cold feet and think and worry about the outcome.
Our clinician spoke to us before the collection and did not have much confidence in a positive result. I went under the anesthetic almost sure it would be for nothing and was shaking like a leaf.
I was in the procedure room for 35 minutes and woke up behind an oxygen mask with Jack at my side. I was very disoriented but I remembered to ask right away, how many eggs they had managed to retrieve. Jack was delighted to tell me they had got 2. I started to cry, it was such a relief. Of course, our expectations were not great but with 2, there was a fighting chance.
So, from relief to anxiety, there's no let up. This morning, we were expecting a call from the laboratory. I was awake at 5, then 7. Finally at 8:30 we could no longer lie there and worry. We got up and went for breakfast at the local cafe. By 11 o'clock, still no call. Why would it take so long? Were they leaving the bad news until later in the day?
I was working through each scenario in my head- what if they called and neither egg had fertilised? What if both were successful? We couldn't be that lucky could we? Should we head for home so I wouldn't need to cry in public?
Eventually they rang. 1 embryo, we have 1 embryo, 1 against-all-the-odds embryo, all alone in it's dish. Relief again, ok, that bridge crossed.
Anxiety sets back in. 3 follicles to 2 eggs to 1 embryo. The next in the sequence is 0 surely? But we might have ourselves a fighter, the chances from here according to the clinic stats are 42%. The odds are up from 36% when we started. I like numbers, they are solid and tangible and there's something comforting in that.
So tomorrow our little fighing embryo will be given back to us to look after. I'm taking progesterone to thicken my womb lining and Jack says if there's one thing I'm good at, it's making a cosy bed. So hopefully our 2, 4, 8, 16 cell Jack/Pippa hybrid will want to sleep there for a little while, say 9 months or so.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
one good egg
Pippa: It's the day before our egg collection & I'm scared. God knows how we got this far, with one healthy-sized follicle and 2 others that are not quite up to scratch. But we're going for it, gambling with our sanity.
I don't think I'm scared of undergoing the procedure, although if you need a painkiller up your bum even before you've had intravenous anesthesia, then you know you're going to feel pretty banged up afterwards. It's the thought of receiving the two subsequent pieces of information in quick succession - 1. were there any eggs collected from my sadly inadequate set of follicles? & 2. did any of them fertilise? All of this information will be available by Saturday morning. It is now Thursday night and I can't sleep.
I can't really think either, I'm exhausted. Poor Jack is snoring away beside me. He's had a hell of a week. At least I was able to take the last couple of weeks off work, Jack is attending clinic appointments and making up the work hours to compensate. This IVF is literally taking over our lives, I don't know how we'll cope if we have to do it all over again.
Anyway, let's leave on a positive note- my one good follicle, we saw it on the ultrasound screen large as life, that's got an egg in it, I'm sure & Jack's sperm count was improving with every test. One good egg, one good sperm, we could get ourselves an embryo. Let's leave it at that- one step at a time. Next week is a whole new ball game ('scuse the pun!)
I don't think I'm scared of undergoing the procedure, although if you need a painkiller up your bum even before you've had intravenous anesthesia, then you know you're going to feel pretty banged up afterwards. It's the thought of receiving the two subsequent pieces of information in quick succession - 1. were there any eggs collected from my sadly inadequate set of follicles? & 2. did any of them fertilise? All of this information will be available by Saturday morning. It is now Thursday night and I can't sleep.
I can't really think either, I'm exhausted. Poor Jack is snoring away beside me. He's had a hell of a week. At least I was able to take the last couple of weeks off work, Jack is attending clinic appointments and making up the work hours to compensate. This IVF is literally taking over our lives, I don't know how we'll cope if we have to do it all over again.
Anyway, let's leave on a positive note- my one good follicle, we saw it on the ultrasound screen large as life, that's got an egg in it, I'm sure & Jack's sperm count was improving with every test. One good egg, one good sperm, we could get ourselves an embryo. Let's leave it at that- one step at a time. Next week is a whole new ball game ('scuse the pun!)
Sunday, 22 March 2009
the first big blow
Pippa: It's not great news. Friday I went for a scan and it turns out my ovaries are not responding well to the stimulation drugs. They found only 3 small follicles had developed on my left ovary and that my right ovary had not reponded at all. It's a huge blow as I really wasn't expecting to fail so soon. Can I really be in the 10% (according to clinic stats) that have their cycles cancelled at this early stage?
I have continued taking the Gonal F injections for a further 3 days in the hope that those follicles grow to a size which are usable, however, with only 3 potential eggs, the chances of success are now greatly diminished.
Tomorrow we will know if it's worth continuing. I am still awake at 1am thinking about what will be.
I think Jack & I have both realised that we have put too much stock into this thing working. I mean, buying kiddie wallpaper and looking at cots- what was I thinking?! So stupid.
I had to tell Jack about the scan on Friday on the phone while he was at work. My Sister couldn't believe I'd gone to the appointment by myself, but I really hadn't expected bad news. Poor Jack told me he nearly cried at his desk.
I can' t really think of anything to say. Tomorrow will decide. If we have to wait and start again, then that's what we;ll do. Meantime, I will try to sleep and not dream of storks.
Goodnight.
I have continued taking the Gonal F injections for a further 3 days in the hope that those follicles grow to a size which are usable, however, with only 3 potential eggs, the chances of success are now greatly diminished.
Tomorrow we will know if it's worth continuing. I am still awake at 1am thinking about what will be.
I think Jack & I have both realised that we have put too much stock into this thing working. I mean, buying kiddie wallpaper and looking at cots- what was I thinking?! So stupid.
I had to tell Jack about the scan on Friday on the phone while he was at work. My Sister couldn't believe I'd gone to the appointment by myself, but I really hadn't expected bad news. Poor Jack told me he nearly cried at his desk.
I can' t really think of anything to say. Tomorrow will decide. If we have to wait and start again, then that's what we;ll do. Meantime, I will try to sleep and not dream of storks.
Goodnight.
Thursday, 19 March 2009
the stable world
Pippa: It's been a while, I know. It's not just finding the time to blog but also I feel that I'm doing pretty well, ploughing along, staying tough (well for me) and that this feeling of being stable and rational and strong could all be undermined with too much introspection and analysis. If I don't determine what my feelings are, then I guess I don't really have to deal with them.
I've been thinking about this idea of being a strong person. I never really thought I was one. I generally live with my heart on my sleeve as they say. But for this type of situation, it's not really about being personally strong but about being a strong team. When you've got back-up, it's easier to face life's struggles, so in this respect I am strong.
I've been trying not to imagine what I will feel if our attempt is not successful, it will be a hard blow. Outwardly, I am acting very positively, planning and nesting but the odds are against us and I know this.
Friday is D-day, my post-FSH scan will determine whether my ovaries have produced enough follicles of adequate size in order to go on to the next phase. I think I can feel the injections beginning to swell my internal parts but I guess this is no real indication. If the follicles don't respond then it's back to square one. I think they even put you on the pill for a while which is sadly ironic.
Anyway, fingers crossed the egg collection will be next week. I have read Jack's postings this week and realise he is having sperm conservation issues. Honey, it's not how much you save it all up that will determine if you produce the 'sample of the century'. A regular replenishing is a good thing as old ones deteriorate and are reabsorbed. A couple of days abstinence before sample day is all that you need worry about........(zzziiiip) Jack what was that?
One last issue to get off my chest before I carry on with my day. Last weekend Jack & I went to see his Sister and new baby. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this and had put it off for a couple of weeks. The baby was certainly the cutest thing, all gurning facial expressions and contented noises (well mostly). It's hard to explain, but I didn't feel anything towards him. I thought I might get this yearning or motherly instinct or something. I didn't even really know what to do with him, it was the oddest kind of detachment that may be some sort of preservation instinct, I'm just not sure.
Anyway, I got upset and not even for the reasons that Jack probably assumed. I know I am thinking irrationally if I suggest that this has any reflection on what type of mother I would make but honestly, I didn't even know how to cuddle him and he just made me feel uncomfortable and useless.
Jack on the other hand, looked like such a natural father. Perhaps this was really the cause of my upset. What if he doesn't get to be one? Yeah, I must have hit the nail- tears are streaming!
Jack certainly could have made a better choice of reproductive partner- someone younger, with fewer medical issues. What if his choice of me for his wife has robbed him of his chance to have a family? Or what if his yearning for children eventually leads to him persuing this dream elsewhere?
OK, I've burst the emotional bubble and it's all spilling out- what did I say? That strong, stable and rational world is folding in- stop analysing!!!
Time to find something rational to do- I might wash the cat.
I've been thinking about this idea of being a strong person. I never really thought I was one. I generally live with my heart on my sleeve as they say. But for this type of situation, it's not really about being personally strong but about being a strong team. When you've got back-up, it's easier to face life's struggles, so in this respect I am strong.
I've been trying not to imagine what I will feel if our attempt is not successful, it will be a hard blow. Outwardly, I am acting very positively, planning and nesting but the odds are against us and I know this.
Friday is D-day, my post-FSH scan will determine whether my ovaries have produced enough follicles of adequate size in order to go on to the next phase. I think I can feel the injections beginning to swell my internal parts but I guess this is no real indication. If the follicles don't respond then it's back to square one. I think they even put you on the pill for a while which is sadly ironic.
Anyway, fingers crossed the egg collection will be next week. I have read Jack's postings this week and realise he is having sperm conservation issues. Honey, it's not how much you save it all up that will determine if you produce the 'sample of the century'. A regular replenishing is a good thing as old ones deteriorate and are reabsorbed. A couple of days abstinence before sample day is all that you need worry about........(zzziiiip) Jack what was that?
One last issue to get off my chest before I carry on with my day. Last weekend Jack & I went to see his Sister and new baby. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about this and had put it off for a couple of weeks. The baby was certainly the cutest thing, all gurning facial expressions and contented noises (well mostly). It's hard to explain, but I didn't feel anything towards him. I thought I might get this yearning or motherly instinct or something. I didn't even really know what to do with him, it was the oddest kind of detachment that may be some sort of preservation instinct, I'm just not sure.
Anyway, I got upset and not even for the reasons that Jack probably assumed. I know I am thinking irrationally if I suggest that this has any reflection on what type of mother I would make but honestly, I didn't even know how to cuddle him and he just made me feel uncomfortable and useless.
Jack on the other hand, looked like such a natural father. Perhaps this was really the cause of my upset. What if he doesn't get to be one? Yeah, I must have hit the nail- tears are streaming!
Jack certainly could have made a better choice of reproductive partner- someone younger, with fewer medical issues. What if his choice of me for his wife has robbed him of his chance to have a family? Or what if his yearning for children eventually leads to him persuing this dream elsewhere?
OK, I've burst the emotional bubble and it's all spilling out- what did I say? That strong, stable and rational world is folding in- stop analysing!!!
Time to find something rational to do- I might wash the cat.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
The cost of sex
JACK: With the current credit climate I have been giving a lot of thought to saving money and being careful with what I do spend. Not long ago I was out of contract looking for some work and I discovered LIDL. A supermarket chain that keeps costs very low in the UK. I recognise this “frame of mind”. I recognise the nasty smell that it has. Something I cannot see or touch but I know is there. I sometimes get this feeling when playing computer games. Games where you gather the tools you need, bullets or shield has to be conserved to fight a boss later on. These are the only places I can think of that you need to have this frame of mind.
At least, that’s as far as I thought that line of thinking would go. You see, since we started trying, I have had to conserve my effluence for the greater good. This has meant no crafty games of pocket billiards when I am alone and only humping every other day when my “bitch is on heat”. Sorry Pippa, I could not resist.
At first, this was nearly impossible to keep up. But the longer we tried, the more we needed to commit. I have found myself learning to live without the great feeling of an orgasm that I have been enjoying since before I was a teenager. So much so, that this weekend I was OK to pass “man water”. This also coincided with Steak and Blowjob day. Yes an official day, 1 calendar month after valentines day that officially pays guys back for doing such a good job on valentines. It’s win-win. The ladies get a great valentine up front and the guys get everything they want. Anyway, I could fill the internet with my thoughts on that particular holiday. Well, at least I thought I could.
That was until this year. I found myself stressed and exhausted from working over the weekend. We were visiting family and got back home. I wolfed the steak with wedges and vine tomatoes, but told Pippa to hold fire on the rest of the celebrations as I was a bit exhausted. She offered me a rain check and I accepted with the intention of continuing on Sunday. We’ll I went through the entire day avoiding the thought and then finally the act of it. I want my spunk to be rich and ready to impregnate but at what cost? I fear I my be damaging my psyche!
The same old nagging feeling came back in my head. This little alarm that says no, you can’t afford it. So we had our nasty tasting alcohol free sparkling juice drink, instead of champagne and that was that. Now I think about this, there’s the other thing this feeling is like. Dieting! Or avoiding alcohol. That little alarm in my head. That nagging sensation. Am I reading too much into this? I think so. In the mist of this I think I am going to far and putting my health at risk. I have been in a pretty stressful place the last couple of days and I think I know the best medicine. But what will happen to my collection? My little gathering of mini Jacks?
The decision was made for me. On the morning of the 17th... At approximately 7:30 am… 3 days after Steak and BJ day. Jack Surname awoke with a stonking erection that Pippa battled with for all of 3 minutes. It was a long and arduous fight for her. But we managed it. The seal is broken. The collection tarnished. I went to work in a great mood which is nice. And now, at the close of Tuesday 13th March, I ask myself. I wonder how much I can save before D-Day? We are merely a week away from the collection. I’m starting to fantasise about collection cups. Useful!
Jack
At least, that’s as far as I thought that line of thinking would go. You see, since we started trying, I have had to conserve my effluence for the greater good. This has meant no crafty games of pocket billiards when I am alone and only humping every other day when my “bitch is on heat”. Sorry Pippa, I could not resist.
At first, this was nearly impossible to keep up. But the longer we tried, the more we needed to commit. I have found myself learning to live without the great feeling of an orgasm that I have been enjoying since before I was a teenager. So much so, that this weekend I was OK to pass “man water”. This also coincided with Steak and Blowjob day. Yes an official day, 1 calendar month after valentines day that officially pays guys back for doing such a good job on valentines. It’s win-win. The ladies get a great valentine up front and the guys get everything they want. Anyway, I could fill the internet with my thoughts on that particular holiday. Well, at least I thought I could.
That was until this year. I found myself stressed and exhausted from working over the weekend. We were visiting family and got back home. I wolfed the steak with wedges and vine tomatoes, but told Pippa to hold fire on the rest of the celebrations as I was a bit exhausted. She offered me a rain check and I accepted with the intention of continuing on Sunday. We’ll I went through the entire day avoiding the thought and then finally the act of it. I want my spunk to be rich and ready to impregnate but at what cost? I fear I my be damaging my psyche!
The same old nagging feeling came back in my head. This little alarm that says no, you can’t afford it. So we had our nasty tasting alcohol free sparkling juice drink, instead of champagne and that was that. Now I think about this, there’s the other thing this feeling is like. Dieting! Or avoiding alcohol. That little alarm in my head. That nagging sensation. Am I reading too much into this? I think so. In the mist of this I think I am going to far and putting my health at risk. I have been in a pretty stressful place the last couple of days and I think I know the best medicine. But what will happen to my collection? My little gathering of mini Jacks?
The decision was made for me. On the morning of the 17th... At approximately 7:30 am… 3 days after Steak and BJ day. Jack Surname awoke with a stonking erection that Pippa battled with for all of 3 minutes. It was a long and arduous fight for her. But we managed it. The seal is broken. The collection tarnished. I went to work in a great mood which is nice. And now, at the close of Tuesday 13th March, I ask myself. I wonder how much I can save before D-Day? We are merely a week away from the collection. I’m starting to fantasise about collection cups. Useful!
Jack
Sunday, 15 March 2009
The absent blogger
JACK: Well it’s been a while. If it helps, I do feel guilty for not blogging. Let the excuses begin...
Since the last time I blogged, it was mentioned that we have been subscribed the drugs and that we have begun the treatment. It was also mentioned that we had 1 last attempt to get things done naturally. I can only describe my silence on the blogging and twittering front as the cyber version of holding my breath.
One of my many admirable traits (not) as Pippa has mentioned before is my ability to put a brave face on things. This involves me shutting down most of the thought process that I would normally use to daydream and “get excited” about upcoming events. It’s a trait I used to apply to many things as a child, including holidays as Pippa has already mentioned. I was always sadly disappointed because we were poor. It was mostly applied to moving schools and home etc. No fault of my mothers, we were just poor. Dad ran out before I remember. But I digress.
Excuses aside, it has been a tough few weeks keeping myself busy. Work was hard to find last week so I busied myself with home improvement projects and dusted off my “to do:” list. As a result, my car is nearly completely fixed, my home AV project is nearly done and we have no outstanding bills or anything of that sort.
A little unhealthy I know. But Pippa and I have been together for 1/3rd of my life. 10 years in the making. We are still very much in love and manage to excite each other, make each other laugh and surprise one another. We know each other’s little moods and manage to avoid arguments most of the time because of these things. So unhealthy or not, something is working. I am not avoiding HER, just the disappointment of our final natural attempt working. Well, all until the other night when we scraped by, both in foul moods and me scurrying off to work the next day. Only to be stuck away from home for another night due to the car being fixed. At least I managed to get a tick on the todo list!
So, we are now “on the drugs”. By we I mean her, but we are a we, so her is we! Got it? Good! So she, I mean WE are now on the drugs. WE have started with the nasal spray. It makes me laugh because she comes out of the bathroom with her head tilted back every morning and evening. It looks like she is trying to spot a fly. Our old cat used to do this accompanied by a clicking sound. It was odd but at least now I can accuse her of the same thing. I’d like to see her jump 3 times her body height and pluck one out of the air and scoff it. I think the woman’s NBA would be interested anyway.
Well, i’m going to leave it at that. I wrote this last weekand have been so busy with work (Yes it finally got busy again) that I didn’t get a chance to post it. I have many more thoughts at this stage now and will commit them to pixels as soon as possible.
Jack.
Since the last time I blogged, it was mentioned that we have been subscribed the drugs and that we have begun the treatment. It was also mentioned that we had 1 last attempt to get things done naturally. I can only describe my silence on the blogging and twittering front as the cyber version of holding my breath.
One of my many admirable traits (not) as Pippa has mentioned before is my ability to put a brave face on things. This involves me shutting down most of the thought process that I would normally use to daydream and “get excited” about upcoming events. It’s a trait I used to apply to many things as a child, including holidays as Pippa has already mentioned. I was always sadly disappointed because we were poor. It was mostly applied to moving schools and home etc. No fault of my mothers, we were just poor. Dad ran out before I remember. But I digress.
Excuses aside, it has been a tough few weeks keeping myself busy. Work was hard to find last week so I busied myself with home improvement projects and dusted off my “to do:” list. As a result, my car is nearly completely fixed, my home AV project is nearly done and we have no outstanding bills or anything of that sort.
A little unhealthy I know. But Pippa and I have been together for 1/3rd of my life. 10 years in the making. We are still very much in love and manage to excite each other, make each other laugh and surprise one another. We know each other’s little moods and manage to avoid arguments most of the time because of these things. So unhealthy or not, something is working. I am not avoiding HER, just the disappointment of our final natural attempt working. Well, all until the other night when we scraped by, both in foul moods and me scurrying off to work the next day. Only to be stuck away from home for another night due to the car being fixed. At least I managed to get a tick on the todo list!
So, we are now “on the drugs”. By we I mean her, but we are a we, so her is we! Got it? Good! So she, I mean WE are now on the drugs. WE have started with the nasal spray. It makes me laugh because she comes out of the bathroom with her head tilted back every morning and evening. It looks like she is trying to spot a fly. Our old cat used to do this accompanied by a clicking sound. It was odd but at least now I can accuse her of the same thing. I’d like to see her jump 3 times her body height and pluck one out of the air and scoff it. I think the woman’s NBA would be interested anyway.
Well, i’m going to leave it at that. I wrote this last weekand have been so busy with work (Yes it finally got busy again) that I didn’t get a chance to post it. I have many more thoughts at this stage now and will commit them to pixels as soon as possible.
Jack.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
a whole month!
Pippa: A whole month has gone by since we started this blogging. I know this as I started my period today. We were hoping that by some miracle our 1 last chance at natural conception would be a success and we could save ourselves a whole load of stress and of course, money. But hey ho, not the case, it's drugs all the way now!
It's been such a crappy day. I try not to take my moods to work but it's very difficult to hide when you are not really feeling up to the banter. Loads of chatter about my colleague's imminent baby (she's about a week overdue). Inducing this and cesarian that, yadda, yadda....
Mother nature is a real bitch too, do the periods have to come with a days worth of abdominal & back pain? I mean, just in case I might want to forget for a minute what a reproductive failure I am. I've had paracetamol and chocolate and I wish I could have wine.
I've been sniffing the Naferelin down-regulation drugs for over a week. Not sure if they are working, it's a bit of a pain as you can't judge your dose and I'm never sure if I'm doing the pump thing right or if I should be able to blow my nose afterward. I feel like I've had a cold since I started them and I'm very spotty. Just 8 more days until my next scan at the clinic, then the injections begin- what joy!
Jack & I had a fight last night, it was over the most stupid thing. We went to bed pretty angry and I just hate that feeling when you wake up and realise you've missed out on a whole night of cuddles. I could really do with one right now but he won't be home until Thurs.
So, let's see if I can find anything on TV to cheer me up...Jade:The Next Chapter- erm, no. I think I will have 1/2 a glass of wine. What the hell.
It's been such a crappy day. I try not to take my moods to work but it's very difficult to hide when you are not really feeling up to the banter. Loads of chatter about my colleague's imminent baby (she's about a week overdue). Inducing this and cesarian that, yadda, yadda....
Mother nature is a real bitch too, do the periods have to come with a days worth of abdominal & back pain? I mean, just in case I might want to forget for a minute what a reproductive failure I am. I've had paracetamol and chocolate and I wish I could have wine.
I've been sniffing the Naferelin down-regulation drugs for over a week. Not sure if they are working, it's a bit of a pain as you can't judge your dose and I'm never sure if I'm doing the pump thing right or if I should be able to blow my nose afterward. I feel like I've had a cold since I started them and I'm very spotty. Just 8 more days until my next scan at the clinic, then the injections begin- what joy!
Jack & I had a fight last night, it was over the most stupid thing. We went to bed pretty angry and I just hate that feeling when you wake up and realise you've missed out on a whole night of cuddles. I could really do with one right now but he won't be home until Thurs.
So, let's see if I can find anything on TV to cheer me up...Jade:The Next Chapter- erm, no. I think I will have 1/2 a glass of wine. What the hell.
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
the drug-induced drama begins....
Pippa: Well it's been a while since I posted here. Sometimes it's hard to find thinking time during life's routine.
I started my down regulation drugs today (sniffing them from a inhaler bottle) and this just happened to coincide with a new baby entering our family. A boy, to complete a set of three. Jack has gone to see the new mum and sniff the baby skin and has left me alone to contemplate.
It seems an awful long way off, the sniffing of our own baby's skin ....
Still no alcohol is being consumed in our house (well, the odd 0.5% beer) and it seems a pretty happy, loving household at the moment. Over 10 years Jack & I have been together and I still can't wait to see him at the end of the day. More importantly, he lets me know he feels the same.
I'm just waiting for the drug-induced moodiness to kick in and spoil the harmony, I hope that doesn't happen. I've got 17 days of sniffing before I have a pre-FSH scan to check my ovaries have shut down , then I begin the stimulating drugs. They await in my fridge- boxes of the stuff and I have a little purple bag to carry around my stash- how cute!
My anxiety this week is that I don't think the hospital have supplied enough of the sniffing stuff- only 14 days worth and that won't get me to the first appointment. It is very frustrating trying to contact the clinic as I can never seem to get a real person, only an answer machine. Hopefully they will get back to me tommorrow.
I had better close and try to get some sleep. Goodnight and sweet dreams to the (as yet) nameless 1-day old boy, perhaps you'll have a little playmate on the way??
I started my down regulation drugs today (sniffing them from a inhaler bottle) and this just happened to coincide with a new baby entering our family. A boy, to complete a set of three. Jack has gone to see the new mum and sniff the baby skin and has left me alone to contemplate.
It seems an awful long way off, the sniffing of our own baby's skin ....
Still no alcohol is being consumed in our house (well, the odd 0.5% beer) and it seems a pretty happy, loving household at the moment. Over 10 years Jack & I have been together and I still can't wait to see him at the end of the day. More importantly, he lets me know he feels the same.
I'm just waiting for the drug-induced moodiness to kick in and spoil the harmony, I hope that doesn't happen. I've got 17 days of sniffing before I have a pre-FSH scan to check my ovaries have shut down , then I begin the stimulating drugs. They await in my fridge- boxes of the stuff and I have a little purple bag to carry around my stash- how cute!
My anxiety this week is that I don't think the hospital have supplied enough of the sniffing stuff- only 14 days worth and that won't get me to the first appointment. It is very frustrating trying to contact the clinic as I can never seem to get a real person, only an answer machine. Hopefully they will get back to me tommorrow.
I had better close and try to get some sleep. Goodnight and sweet dreams to the (as yet) nameless 1-day old boy, perhaps you'll have a little playmate on the way??
Friday, 13 February 2009
my sensitive soul
Pippa: I've just read Jack's last post for the second time and for a second time, tears are streaming down my face. For all his joking and bravardery, he is a sensitive soul. This is why I love him so much- I am one of the few that get in, under the surface and behind the facade of the humourous work colleague, the geeky gamer, the dedicated sports fan, the carefree brother, the unreliable son. Behind all this, there's a man who loves me enough to do all that is necessary in order to make our dreams of a family come true.
I completely understand his anxieties. Of course, once we have a baby in our lives, everything will change. This waiting only gives us more time to think about what those changes may mean for us. This journey has definitely brought us closer together and I too will miss this period once it is finally over. I do hope that what we learn about ourselves and each other now, will help our relationship when, inevitably, life throws us another challenge.
In the meantime, Jack (or the cat) needn't worry about any 'upset to the pecking order'. I have plenty of extra love that I am keeping in reserve just in case. There will be no need to divide their share........
.........and there's not much chance of me giving up the biscuits either!
I completely understand his anxieties. Of course, once we have a baby in our lives, everything will change. This waiting only gives us more time to think about what those changes may mean for us. This journey has definitely brought us closer together and I too will miss this period once it is finally over. I do hope that what we learn about ourselves and each other now, will help our relationship when, inevitably, life throws us another challenge.
In the meantime, Jack (or the cat) needn't worry about any 'upset to the pecking order'. I have plenty of extra love that I am keeping in reserve just in case. There will be no need to divide their share........
.........and there's not much chance of me giving up the biscuits either!
Thursday, 12 February 2009
the smell of biscuits...
JACK: Today I went for a hair cut. My hairdresser was not in a talkative mood. So for a short while I sat in silence. I briefly caught a whiff of biscuits. The kind of smell you catch on someone’s breath when they are having tea and biscuits. Warmed by the tea the scent seems to carry that much more.
This is not a nice smell by any chance; they certainly won’t be bottling it any time soon. New Christina Aguilera fragrance, "The smell of biscuits"! Don't get me wrong, it's not a horrible smell, either.
Anyway, it took my mind to somewhere else, Sometimes, when I get home from a long day at work and Pippa is sitting in the lounge with Tea and biscuits, legs tucked under a cushion beside her, cat balled up in any space he can find or make for himself. She'll be watching one of her "Stories" on the box and I'll lean over to give her a kiss. The cold from the day would have made my skin all taught and craggy. Her skin, on the other hand, is lovely and warm; her lips are hot and moist from the tea. That subtle little smell of biscuits wafts up my nostrils. I feel satisfaction and decide to sit with her before doing any of my usual things like showering, changing or Xbox. The cat gets evicted from his spot and has to find a new place, whatever show she is watching is of little interest to me. I'll normally attempt to steal some heat by injecting a cold hand into a warm bit of skin. The stomach and breasts are always the choicest spots.
After stealing some tea and biscuits I'll be satisfied, gone. After crashing past a couple more time, one time dripping wet and one time dropping socks, I'll be gone. The sound of aliens being blown up will trickle down the stairs.
My mind wandered from this onto what would be. Where would a child fit into my ideal (Well, not ideal but a beautifully typical) evening? Would Pippa have time to let me steal the heat from her beautiful and feminine body parts? Will she be to busy feeding the baby or have sore nipples to let me sneak a hold her beautiful round breasts. What of the biscuit smell? Replaced by Farley’s Rusk’s (Not bad at all) or shitty nappies (Erk). And what of the cat? Boiled in a stew to feed the ever hungry chubby little infant? OK, too far. But, point made. The cat would make a lovely stew. No, I mean the feeling of anxiety.
For many couples, all that is needed for procreation is a quick fuck. It doesn’t even have to be a good one. Pippa and I have been doing this with clockwork regularity for the past couple of years now. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes not so good, and hey, sometimes it’s fan-fucking-tastic. But it’s always with the same result, no pregnancy. This, as even the slowest of blog readers may be screaming at the screen, is obviously the source of this anxiety. But it’s not just the not being able to conceive. It’s the waiting in between, the abstaining from sex in the build up before each attempt and now IVF; Doctors hands all over your bits, filling in forms, blood tests, needles, endless questions, ejaculating into pots and rushing to the hospital with them in your armpits or between your legs. Or my favourite, masturbating into a pot in a hospital toilet whilst other patients were waiting outside. Where I found the right frame of mind to carry that one off, I don’t know. “Please wash your hands”... Sure!
You know, if it was wham bam thank you Maam, we would be well into the stresses and hormonally induced emotional states that the rest of the lucky buggers get to go through already! It’s a strange thing to admit, but so far, part of me would miss what I have experienced. Don’t get me wrong. If I was given the choice, I would opt for a perfect pregnancy, beautiful twins with all fingers and toes, a lottery win and finding the keys to an Aston Martin like the next person would. But for all the stresses and trouble it’s been. If we come out of this with a healthy child, it’s going to be worth it. And I would be proud to admit I had the strength to go through this. It is a testament to the relationship between Pippa and me. It’ll be so worth it when I get home from my long day at work. All three members of my clan look up at me as I come in from the cold. More warm skin for me to poach the heat from. After all, it’s just anxiety isn’t it? All these thoughts I’ve been having? Any of these thoughts can be beaten with the right frame of mind and with the right partnership.
I wonder what smells will wait for me after the baby is born, the smell of biscuits from my wife? the smell of baby from my child? and if that cat does not shut up and let me type this blog, there’ll be the smell of cat stew!
Jack.
This is not a nice smell by any chance; they certainly won’t be bottling it any time soon. New Christina Aguilera fragrance, "The smell of biscuits"! Don't get me wrong, it's not a horrible smell, either.
Anyway, it took my mind to somewhere else, Sometimes, when I get home from a long day at work and Pippa is sitting in the lounge with Tea and biscuits, legs tucked under a cushion beside her, cat balled up in any space he can find or make for himself. She'll be watching one of her "Stories" on the box and I'll lean over to give her a kiss. The cold from the day would have made my skin all taught and craggy. Her skin, on the other hand, is lovely and warm; her lips are hot and moist from the tea. That subtle little smell of biscuits wafts up my nostrils. I feel satisfaction and decide to sit with her before doing any of my usual things like showering, changing or Xbox. The cat gets evicted from his spot and has to find a new place, whatever show she is watching is of little interest to me. I'll normally attempt to steal some heat by injecting a cold hand into a warm bit of skin. The stomach and breasts are always the choicest spots.
After stealing some tea and biscuits I'll be satisfied, gone. After crashing past a couple more time, one time dripping wet and one time dropping socks, I'll be gone. The sound of aliens being blown up will trickle down the stairs.
My mind wandered from this onto what would be. Where would a child fit into my ideal (Well, not ideal but a beautifully typical) evening? Would Pippa have time to let me steal the heat from her beautiful and feminine body parts? Will she be to busy feeding the baby or have sore nipples to let me sneak a hold her beautiful round breasts. What of the biscuit smell? Replaced by Farley’s Rusk’s (Not bad at all) or shitty nappies (Erk). And what of the cat? Boiled in a stew to feed the ever hungry chubby little infant? OK, too far. But, point made. The cat would make a lovely stew. No, I mean the feeling of anxiety.
For many couples, all that is needed for procreation is a quick fuck. It doesn’t even have to be a good one. Pippa and I have been doing this with clockwork regularity for the past couple of years now. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes not so good, and hey, sometimes it’s fan-fucking-tastic. But it’s always with the same result, no pregnancy. This, as even the slowest of blog readers may be screaming at the screen, is obviously the source of this anxiety. But it’s not just the not being able to conceive. It’s the waiting in between, the abstaining from sex in the build up before each attempt and now IVF; Doctors hands all over your bits, filling in forms, blood tests, needles, endless questions, ejaculating into pots and rushing to the hospital with them in your armpits or between your legs. Or my favourite, masturbating into a pot in a hospital toilet whilst other patients were waiting outside. Where I found the right frame of mind to carry that one off, I don’t know. “Please wash your hands”... Sure!
You know, if it was wham bam thank you Maam, we would be well into the stresses and hormonally induced emotional states that the rest of the lucky buggers get to go through already! It’s a strange thing to admit, but so far, part of me would miss what I have experienced. Don’t get me wrong. If I was given the choice, I would opt for a perfect pregnancy, beautiful twins with all fingers and toes, a lottery win and finding the keys to an Aston Martin like the next person would. But for all the stresses and trouble it’s been. If we come out of this with a healthy child, it’s going to be worth it. And I would be proud to admit I had the strength to go through this. It is a testament to the relationship between Pippa and me. It’ll be so worth it when I get home from my long day at work. All three members of my clan look up at me as I come in from the cold. More warm skin for me to poach the heat from. After all, it’s just anxiety isn’t it? All these thoughts I’ve been having? Any of these thoughts can be beaten with the right frame of mind and with the right partnership.
I wonder what smells will wait for me after the baby is born, the smell of biscuits from my wife? the smell of baby from my child? and if that cat does not shut up and let me type this blog, there’ll be the smell of cat stew!
Jack.
Tuesday, 10 February 2009
that damn cat!
Pippa: Wow looks like even the cat is aware of our situation. It's a bit hard to keep it from him I guess, we do treat him like our big furry baby substitute- I think the family think we are very strange.
I'm amazed at his relatively good typing skills though- his paws must cover 4 keys at a time!
Well, I have been ill today, I must have caught a stomach bug and have been quite sick. It started this morning. I'm just glad that, with it being just after my period, I am not mistaking this for a sign of pregnancy. That would have got my hopes up again for a while.
Anyway, I have my second appointment at the clinic tomorrow. I'm a little apprehensive but at the moment I just hope I'm well enough to make it there. I wouldn't want to delay anything at this point.
I think the nurse is going to teach me how to inject stuff into my leg. I'm not too worried about this as needles have never bothered me that much. Now, had it been Jack who had to take the injections I think we'd have a problem.
Yesterday I didn't post. I should have done as there was a significant occurance that blogging may have helped me think through. My sister and her husband were also considering IVF and went for their first consultation yesterday. It was going to be a bit weird us experiencing this side by side but also a little comforting. There was the worry that if the treatment succeeded for one of us and not the other it would have been difficult to come to terms with. But we are close and I think the shared journey would have strengthened our relationship.
However, they had more serious complications. She had been diagnosed with early menopause (despite her being younger than me) and her hubby had an extremely low sperm count- so low they were unable to find any motile ones. The clinic have refused them treatment on the basis that even with the ICSI procedure, their chances are almost zero.
This has brought up a whole load of feelings. How are they coming to terms with this news? And how would we? I mean, if the IVF doesn't work the first time I can see us having another go but it is not cheap and the money pot is not endless. Will we have to bear the news that a family is impossible?
They are already looking into adoption but this seems like a minefield of red tape and potential disappointment. What a nightmare.
I told my sis that I will now not want to keep updating her on our progress as this would likely be painful for her. She told me off for even thinking this but the reticence is still there. Why is life this unfair?
I'm amazed at his relatively good typing skills though- his paws must cover 4 keys at a time!
Well, I have been ill today, I must have caught a stomach bug and have been quite sick. It started this morning. I'm just glad that, with it being just after my period, I am not mistaking this for a sign of pregnancy. That would have got my hopes up again for a while.
Anyway, I have my second appointment at the clinic tomorrow. I'm a little apprehensive but at the moment I just hope I'm well enough to make it there. I wouldn't want to delay anything at this point.
I think the nurse is going to teach me how to inject stuff into my leg. I'm not too worried about this as needles have never bothered me that much. Now, had it been Jack who had to take the injections I think we'd have a problem.
Yesterday I didn't post. I should have done as there was a significant occurance that blogging may have helped me think through. My sister and her husband were also considering IVF and went for their first consultation yesterday. It was going to be a bit weird us experiencing this side by side but also a little comforting. There was the worry that if the treatment succeeded for one of us and not the other it would have been difficult to come to terms with. But we are close and I think the shared journey would have strengthened our relationship.
However, they had more serious complications. She had been diagnosed with early menopause (despite her being younger than me) and her hubby had an extremely low sperm count- so low they were unable to find any motile ones. The clinic have refused them treatment on the basis that even with the ICSI procedure, their chances are almost zero.
This has brought up a whole load of feelings. How are they coming to terms with this news? And how would we? I mean, if the IVF doesn't work the first time I can see us having another go but it is not cheap and the money pot is not endless. Will we have to bear the news that a family is impossible?
They are already looking into adoption but this seems like a minefield of red tape and potential disappointment. What a nightmare.
I told my sis that I will now not want to keep updating her on our progress as this would likely be painful for her. She told me off for even thinking this but the reticence is still there. Why is life this unfair?
Monday, 9 February 2009
don't upset the pecking order...
MOGGY: Found an IVF booklet whilst sniffing behind the couch today. I must say it makes sense, I noticed how things have changed around here. Over the last few years the amount of boring hugs I seem to get from the Pippa one has definitely gone up. I don’t really mind that much but the dummy is a step too far. Also, the Goo-goo Ga-ga noises that Jack (the big clumsy dumb male one) makes drives me crazy.
I’m wondering what will happen if there’s another one of those big dumb things around the place making loads of noise. At the moment I am fed first, then Jack and then Pippa. That’s the way it’s always been. It’s the pecking order. I suppose I don’t mind this new small dumb one being fed before Jack but I’m not sure I will be able to deal with Jacks constant whining about it, you should hear him complain about being 2nd. I suppose a carefully placed dump in his work shoes should straighten everything out. Then he’ll know who’s in charge. mhehe, The kitty calling card!
Perhaps when this new member of the family arrives I can use my size to my advantage. By the time it’s as big as the others I could have it do my bidding. Although I’m not sure what I would get it to do. I already play the 2 big dumb ones against each other at feeding time. There’s nothing like getting 2 meals and then throwing one of them up behind the sofa to make your day.
Well, there’s plenty to think about here. I’ll take a snooze on the radiator in my spare room and mull it over for a while. Actually, I think they're redecorating my spare room at the moment, it's covered in plastic for me to play in. I hope they put fish themed wallpaper up. Hmmm, it must be nearly feeding time, I wonder which one of them will get home first?
Meow.
I’m wondering what will happen if there’s another one of those big dumb things around the place making loads of noise. At the moment I am fed first, then Jack and then Pippa. That’s the way it’s always been. It’s the pecking order. I suppose I don’t mind this new small dumb one being fed before Jack but I’m not sure I will be able to deal with Jacks constant whining about it, you should hear him complain about being 2nd. I suppose a carefully placed dump in his work shoes should straighten everything out. Then he’ll know who’s in charge. mhehe, The kitty calling card!
Perhaps when this new member of the family arrives I can use my size to my advantage. By the time it’s as big as the others I could have it do my bidding. Although I’m not sure what I would get it to do. I already play the 2 big dumb ones against each other at feeding time. There’s nothing like getting 2 meals and then throwing one of them up behind the sofa to make your day.
Well, there’s plenty to think about here. I’ll take a snooze on the radiator in my spare room and mull it over for a while. Actually, I think they're redecorating my spare room at the moment, it's covered in plastic for me to play in. I hope they put fish themed wallpaper up. Hmmm, it must be nearly feeding time, I wonder which one of them will get home first?
Meow.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
still interested?
Pippa: Managed to keep myself busier today painting the spare room. I've quite exhausted myself and am really missing that evening glass of wine. The doctors have asked us to keep alcohol intake to 5 units per week- PER WEEK! So that's 0 units this week so far, I am doing well.
I'm sure the drinking ban will be much harder on Jack, he does like his beer. I am wondering how I will explain why I am drinking coke at social occasions as it is not usually in my nature to abstain. I have told only 2 close friends about the IVF and I'm a bit worried that friends and family will jump to the conclusion that I am pregnant which will result in unwanted questioning.
Also can't help thinking about the spare room as a potential nursery and this makes it difficult to decide how to decorate. I certainly won't be putting up spongebob squarepants wallpaper or painting rainbows but I want to make sure it is easily convertible in case we are successful.
Jack doesn't like thinking this way, he refuses to plan for or get excited about anything that is not set in stone, that way he can't be disappointed. He has a point, but that's just not me. Besides, I think they call it 'nesting' and that's what women do.
I'm sure the drinking ban will be much harder on Jack, he does like his beer. I am wondering how I will explain why I am drinking coke at social occasions as it is not usually in my nature to abstain. I have told only 2 close friends about the IVF and I'm a bit worried that friends and family will jump to the conclusion that I am pregnant which will result in unwanted questioning.
Also can't help thinking about the spare room as a potential nursery and this makes it difficult to decide how to decorate. I certainly won't be putting up spongebob squarepants wallpaper or painting rainbows but I want to make sure it is easily convertible in case we are successful.
Jack doesn't like thinking this way, he refuses to plan for or get excited about anything that is not set in stone, that way he can't be disappointed. He has a point, but that's just not me. Besides, I think they call it 'nesting' and that's what women do.
Friday, 6 February 2009
daily update no. 3
Pippa: I think I will get bored of this soon enough and only post on 'significant' days but it's all about how we feel so I'll keep going for now.
I'm managing to swing between positive and negative today. I think, to be honest I have too much time on my hands this evening doing not very much and this is causing me to dwell. I've also been doing too much research on the subject (one of my annoying habits- I have to research everything to the nth degree before making a decision of any sort).
As the scan yesterday seemed to be encouraging (good womb lining and number of follicles) I can't see why our treatment wouldn't work but the statistics at our clinic (which are above the national average) still give us only a 1 in 3 chance of success. Are the failures older than us? larger? are they ex-smokers or have they had problems with infection or injury? The thing is, I bet they are mostly just the same as us and therefore why should Jack & I succeed and not them?
£4000 plus our sanity at those odds? We must be half crazy already!
I'm managing to swing between positive and negative today. I think, to be honest I have too much time on my hands this evening doing not very much and this is causing me to dwell. I've also been doing too much research on the subject (one of my annoying habits- I have to research everything to the nth degree before making a decision of any sort).
As the scan yesterday seemed to be encouraging (good womb lining and number of follicles) I can't see why our treatment wouldn't work but the statistics at our clinic (which are above the national average) still give us only a 1 in 3 chance of success. Are the failures older than us? larger? are they ex-smokers or have they had problems with infection or injury? The thing is, I bet they are mostly just the same as us and therefore why should Jack & I succeed and not them?
£4000 plus our sanity at those odds? We must be half crazy already!
Thursday, 5 February 2009
it's all systems go......
Pippa: So we attended the ACU this morning, had to turn up early for Jack to provide a sample. I think I will leave the details to him as I'm sure he will give an amusing account of what was a pretty awkward process.
Our appointment had been delayed due to the weather and as my period had arrived like clockwork yesterday, we were told that (at day 2) all the necessary blood tests and scans could be done straight away and we could begin our treatment this cycle.
That was a bit of a shock. It feels like this boulder has been pushed over the apex of the mountain and is gaining momentum at a rate beyond our control. Not least we will have to find the money for the treatment more quickly than we had expected, but we will. I'm ready, Jack's ready- let's do this!
I have to mention the scan. It was an internal ultrasound which can be used to look at the womb and ovaries. The probe (errr horrible word, reminds me of alien abduction stories) was shaped like a stick with a bobble at the end onto which a condom is rolled.
Just the very tip is placed inside you and it wasn't half as uncomfortable or embarrassing as I had expected.
The doctor asked Jack to come around the curtain and join in by looking at the computer screen but I blurted out that I didn't think he'd want to. We talked about this later and he told me he felt excluded. I don't know why I didn't allow him in, perhaps I took one look at the stirrups and thought that I'd rather he didn't see me in such a compromising position. Whatever the reason, it was stupid and I regret it. I want him to be involved in every part of this- we're a team after all.
Anyway, the doctor managed to find all necessary internal body parts and she counted 11 folicles on my ovaries which she said was a good number. Apparently based on this scan and the results of my FSH blood test, they will estimate the dosage of stimulating hormones in order to collect a safe but sufficient number of eggs to attempt fertilisation.
All in all, my mood is positive. We haven't got the results of the blood tests or Jack's sperm count yet but we have had these done before so I am not expecting any surprises.
So onwards and upwards, can't wait to hear Jack's version of events. I'm sure it will be a lot more entertaining than mine!
Our appointment had been delayed due to the weather and as my period had arrived like clockwork yesterday, we were told that (at day 2) all the necessary blood tests and scans could be done straight away and we could begin our treatment this cycle.
That was a bit of a shock. It feels like this boulder has been pushed over the apex of the mountain and is gaining momentum at a rate beyond our control. Not least we will have to find the money for the treatment more quickly than we had expected, but we will. I'm ready, Jack's ready- let's do this!
I have to mention the scan. It was an internal ultrasound which can be used to look at the womb and ovaries. The probe (errr horrible word, reminds me of alien abduction stories) was shaped like a stick with a bobble at the end onto which a condom is rolled.
Just the very tip is placed inside you and it wasn't half as uncomfortable or embarrassing as I had expected.
The doctor asked Jack to come around the curtain and join in by looking at the computer screen but I blurted out that I didn't think he'd want to. We talked about this later and he told me he felt excluded. I don't know why I didn't allow him in, perhaps I took one look at the stirrups and thought that I'd rather he didn't see me in such a compromising position. Whatever the reason, it was stupid and I regret it. I want him to be involved in every part of this- we're a team after all.
Anyway, the doctor managed to find all necessary internal body parts and she counted 11 folicles on my ovaries which she said was a good number. Apparently based on this scan and the results of my FSH blood test, they will estimate the dosage of stimulating hormones in order to collect a safe but sufficient number of eggs to attempt fertilisation.
All in all, my mood is positive. We haven't got the results of the blood tests or Jack's sperm count yet but we have had these done before so I am not expecting any surprises.
So onwards and upwards, can't wait to hear Jack's version of events. I'm sure it will be a lot more entertaining than mine!
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
first thoughts
Pippa: I'm very grateful to Jack for suggesting we do this blog. Of course I hope that maybe someone else who is in the same position may find some comfort in our musings but mostly for now I hope it helps us to cope with the stress of our situation.
I have to say, I really am not the best person when it comes to expressing my feelings and therefore, writing down my thoughts as we progress toward IVF should help me with this and as Jack will read my posts, I hope he will understand how I feel at every step.
Today hasn't been a good day. My period was due- 27 days I could practially set my clock by it! It's so weird how, when you are trying to conceive, you analyse every tummy cramp or back spasm. I've been waiting for it to come all day- but it didn't- there's hope right there! If only it would not come, just even for another day, there's the hope still alive.
My friend is expecting at work. This is her last week. She knows she is having a boy, has even told us what she will name him. I went shopping this afternoon for a leaving present- a little bouncing chair and a back pack for her to carry the little mite on her back. Still my period had not arrived, Oh perhaps I'd like that chair for mine and the back pack -how cute.
Then the inevitable. I feel so silly, I knew it was coming- deep down. Sometimes I go to the toilet and check- you know, have little rummage. No red stuff- still hope. Anyway, this time, a bit of red stuff, the hope's gone. Now I have to tell Jack oh dear.
I know I have to do it like ripping off a plaster. I've done it enough times, I know it's better straight out. So I tell him and he looks upset. We cuddle. I love him.
So here we are, we have our first consultation tomorrow and there's no excuse to cancel it and spend the money on a flat screen and a shit hot nursery. Let's see how this goes. There may be hope in a petri dish. Is Petri a good name for a baby??
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
and they're off...
Jack: So we decided to start a blog to help us through the IVF process. We are hoping that the opportunity to vent our emotions will help us deal with the stress. We won’t lie, Jack and Pippa are pseudonyms. As time goes by you will understand why we chose to withhold our identities. We are very personal people and many members of our family are not aware of our situation. This is no reason why others cannot appreciate the feelings we are going through and can take advise or offer it where we need it.
I’ll start by apologising for my really bad spelling and grammar. I will use a spell check where I can but sometimes I’m too distracted and my writing looks like a 5 year old just finger painted it onto the page.
So, IVF, our hospital invited us to an open evening to discuss the process recently. This was a very informative evening and we both took a lot from it. On Monday we should have gone back to the hospital for a consultation but due to fucking snow it was moved back until Thursday. So a day booked off has been wasted and now it will look very suspicious when I need to take Thursday morning off.
So what does this new appointment hold in store? Well, I’m not 100% sure. I know I have a cup to fill and I have to not empty my gentlemen’s purse for 3 days in advance. This might explain my inability to hold rational thought at the moment seeing as on Monday morning, when we were extended, I was already 3 days into my dry spell. To find I was given a 3 day “Extension” was grim, baby batter is coming out of my ears. Now, I don’t consider myself a pervert or anything like that. But two of the many beautiful gifts given to us by nature were the abilities to go for nice dumps and of course the ability to pleasure yourself with a hand. I know every guy is the same from pub conversations, but I’m sure you ladies are the same even if you don’t admit it (I bet your nodding now). I don’t mind admitting this in this forum as I’m sure Pippa is already well aware and everything that goes on this blog stays on this blog. It’s the unwritten rule. Well, it was, until the first post!
I imagine, after filling the cup. By the way, the decision to fill this on the premises is still yet to be decided. They did offer this in the forum by the way. I won’t just turn up and do it in reception whilst I wait. I’ll need something stronger than a year old copy of woman’s weekly. Anyway, after ”the cup” I’m sure I will have another doctor feel my balls (They cant get enough) and then it’ll be over to Pippa. I understand, for her procedure, they want to send in a team. But with the current minor strike I’m not sure who is going to do the work. I’m sure she will probably “fill us in” when she updates her post. I suppose that is something I can be grateful for. The abstinence of my hands in my pants beats having the hands of several other persons in my pants… err, hands down! (Sorry)
So I suppose, it’s to her, my hat comes off. She has plenty to go through before we get pregnant. And then we still have the pregnancy to go through. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t done anything yet. You will be surprised at how the job of doing the bad thing becomes a tiresome and frightening job with the introduction of this clinical situation. The demand causes performance stresses I have NEVER seen before on the bedroom stage! I will go into this a little more when I have time. I know there will be some guys out there dealing with the same thing that will probably be grateful just to read these few words. I will also note some of things we did to alleviate these problems at a later stage.
I am 31 and Pippa is 39. I have a slightly below sperm count but the doctor says there’s no reason we shouldn’t be getting pregnant with the quantity and health of the living sperm. Pippa is healthy also. I really think it’s a matter of the swimmers not being in the right place at the right time. We have been trying properly for just over a year now. With each attempt and the arrival of each period, we would find reason after reason for our attempt not working. We would also find other things to do. The addition of Pippa doing post coital hand stands included. Pippa can probably share some of the more practical technologies she has included into this. Like the thing she uses to tell us the exact few days to concentrate our efforts. It tells us when her eggs are in the shop window as it were.
Anyway, the first post is getting a bit long winded but it already feels good getting this off my chest. I will think of some more stories about the build up to this date later and hopefully I will have another post for next week when we have had our first consultation. We will be twittering between posts on: http://twitter.com/PippaHaze
Fingers crossed
Jack.
I’ll start by apologising for my really bad spelling and grammar. I will use a spell check where I can but sometimes I’m too distracted and my writing looks like a 5 year old just finger painted it onto the page.
So, IVF, our hospital invited us to an open evening to discuss the process recently. This was a very informative evening and we both took a lot from it. On Monday we should have gone back to the hospital for a consultation but due to fucking snow it was moved back until Thursday. So a day booked off has been wasted and now it will look very suspicious when I need to take Thursday morning off.
So what does this new appointment hold in store? Well, I’m not 100% sure. I know I have a cup to fill and I have to not empty my gentlemen’s purse for 3 days in advance. This might explain my inability to hold rational thought at the moment seeing as on Monday morning, when we were extended, I was already 3 days into my dry spell. To find I was given a 3 day “Extension” was grim, baby batter is coming out of my ears. Now, I don’t consider myself a pervert or anything like that. But two of the many beautiful gifts given to us by nature were the abilities to go for nice dumps and of course the ability to pleasure yourself with a hand. I know every guy is the same from pub conversations, but I’m sure you ladies are the same even if you don’t admit it (I bet your nodding now). I don’t mind admitting this in this forum as I’m sure Pippa is already well aware and everything that goes on this blog stays on this blog. It’s the unwritten rule. Well, it was, until the first post!
I imagine, after filling the cup. By the way, the decision to fill this on the premises is still yet to be decided. They did offer this in the forum by the way. I won’t just turn up and do it in reception whilst I wait. I’ll need something stronger than a year old copy of woman’s weekly. Anyway, after ”the cup” I’m sure I will have another doctor feel my balls (They cant get enough) and then it’ll be over to Pippa. I understand, for her procedure, they want to send in a team. But with the current minor strike I’m not sure who is going to do the work. I’m sure she will probably “fill us in” when she updates her post. I suppose that is something I can be grateful for. The abstinence of my hands in my pants beats having the hands of several other persons in my pants… err, hands down! (Sorry)
So I suppose, it’s to her, my hat comes off. She has plenty to go through before we get pregnant. And then we still have the pregnancy to go through. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t done anything yet. You will be surprised at how the job of doing the bad thing becomes a tiresome and frightening job with the introduction of this clinical situation. The demand causes performance stresses I have NEVER seen before on the bedroom stage! I will go into this a little more when I have time. I know there will be some guys out there dealing with the same thing that will probably be grateful just to read these few words. I will also note some of things we did to alleviate these problems at a later stage.
I am 31 and Pippa is 39. I have a slightly below sperm count but the doctor says there’s no reason we shouldn’t be getting pregnant with the quantity and health of the living sperm. Pippa is healthy also. I really think it’s a matter of the swimmers not being in the right place at the right time. We have been trying properly for just over a year now. With each attempt and the arrival of each period, we would find reason after reason for our attempt not working. We would also find other things to do. The addition of Pippa doing post coital hand stands included. Pippa can probably share some of the more practical technologies she has included into this. Like the thing she uses to tell us the exact few days to concentrate our efforts. It tells us when her eggs are in the shop window as it were.
Anyway, the first post is getting a bit long winded but it already feels good getting this off my chest. I will think of some more stories about the build up to this date later and hopefully I will have another post for next week when we have had our first consultation. We will be twittering between posts on: http://twitter.com/PippaHaze
Fingers crossed
Jack.
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